I was surprised, earlier this year, to find I had some abandonment wounds. Inner child work was necessary. I was completely unaware. Oh, it’s such a stereotype these days, but in delving into my responses to certain crises, I was genuinely surprised when I reacted completely out of character. In ways that were completely not in line with my soul, my beliefs in myself. I was shocked; sailed completely past embarrassment. In this case, my abandonment wound hit others’ abandonment wounds, and demonization was the result. I no longer have an avenue to apologize to those I’ve affected with my own issues. I’ll do better in my next life (if there is one). In the meantime, I’m paying karma forward (as you’ve seen in previous posts). There are promises one makes to others that bind, whether those others are there to reap the benefits or not. One’s integrity is at stake; you have to face yourself in the mirror each morning.

There are a lot of reasons for these wounds. They are not my fault, but the fact they appeared requires action. And that’s the fun part of this. I found one therapy online that’s proven hugely useful, that I need to share. For individual traumas from childhood, get in a meditative state and go back in time, standing as you are now, next to the child you were. Comfort and reassure her/him. Rewrite that traumatic memory with all the love and understanding you can bring to your child self. Reassure, defend, explain, empathize, repair. Use all that you are now, to help the defenseless, frightened or traumatized child you were. Imagine it with all the detail that memory can bring. The room, the smells - everything. The more accurate you can make it, the better to rewrite that memory and give that inner child permanent comfort. Confront any authority figures and throw their bad behavior in their faces, with all the invective you can muster. This works.

I’ve seen results already. Triggers that I was only mildly aware of, I can sail right past now. Oh, I’m aware of the triggers - because the technique is so new to me - but the tangible results of this work are also completely evident. The internal work has been hugely rewarding. I’ve been able to turn aside kneejerk reaction after kneejerk reaction, wrongly assumed judgments, melancholy after melacholy, able to leave angry responses and take higher roads.

I never thought of myself as a traumatized child. But you know of my speech impediment; how could I not be? I have always refused the label of ‘victim’. I was a canny survivor, able to negotiate a middle ground and even dare to thrive in childhood and adolescence with this malady. I’ve been proud of that survival. Yet I was scarred by this ‘surviving’ and more, and never really realized it until now. I’ve held so much pain inside that I never truly registered. The memories are there, but reserved in a locked room in my brain where they are devoid of comfort or judgment so they could not drain or hurt me. Yet they routinely escaped, showed up in normal life, breaking the restrictive bounds. I’d never had a technique to reach in and permanently restrain them. The above technique heals rather than binds. The ‘locked room’ is no longer necessary. So much better. And I am so much more relaxed as a result.

Is it just a cheap parlor trick? My experience says not.

Weird to be over 60 and only now discovering this. Just a random Google search gave me this tip. Learning, growing never should end. Easy to say, lovely platitude, but in practice … not always easy, or fully appreciated. I accept others as they are; I don’t seem to receive that same grace. As if I wear potential on my sleeve? So I continue to work on myself.

Back to ‘silent running’ … just felt this was important. The gods dragged me to the keyboard after two fingers of Johnny Walker Black, and made me type this up as stream-of conscience in my usual style. Any grammar or spelling errors are Johnnys … “blame the redcoat”.