Personal Improvement: A followup about stuttering.

Leveraging that “Biden” stuttering post of the other day.

Stutterers know that lessons and knowledge come from places of painful emotions, darkness. Happiness can be so short lived. We don’t let people interfere with our happiness, because others’ energy is not ours. We feel a magic in all situations, good and bad, once we learn this basic lesson.

Some people can’t stand us for it. We may even be bitter, as we first learn these lessons. Then we become grateful for the malady, for it brings great wisdom that others will never appreciate.

We know, through painful experience, that people don’t grow in happiness. Happiness tends to breed complacency. The more pain, destruction, heartache and loss, the more evolution, the more magic we accumulate in our souls. We don’t actively seek out pain, but we bear it when it arrives with equanimity, because it is ultimately a boon. It bronzes us, armors us, fills our cracks with titanium. Our malady is armored, but our hearts remain open. We are unusually forgiving souls, giving people many chances to show empathy and compassion.

We also understand that all emotion is just emotion; separate from our own worthiness. It is not ‘us’. Hard emotions transform, but yield no mortal wounds.

And these deep knowings are a stutterer’s strength.

I have a longer version of this over on Facebook, if you care to imbibe. Look up my proper name.

Personal Improvement: Reason and magic.

This is more ‘personal’ improvement than the official entries I’ve been posting. Or maybe just insanity. And a Sunday night ramble after much tax prep. Trying to banish the images of figures from my brain.

Those who have known me for a long period, know of the conundrum. I am a logical, reasoning person … with a very deep and extensive imagination. It’s been that way since I was a child. I was the one who imagined worlds to place both my toys and my friends within. Couches were mountains - or desert canyons. I could smell the dust on the wind, see the horizon beyond the pillows. I could see, feel and taste it all. Complete immersion. I could stay within that fantasy for hours.

Puberty ravaged much of it, but a significant chunk remains. It is not a childish imagination, but a fruitful one, available when I call for it. I thank the deities above I was able to preserve this piece of youth.

Cut to Santa Fe today, and I find so many circumstances where the line between reality and magic collide here. Frequent experiences, synchronicities baffle my logical brain. I think this is what I most admire about my Native friends; to them, there is nothing surprising about this dichotomy. In them, I have found kindred spirits.

You will notice I switched ‘magic’ for ‘imagination’. That’s my logical brain fighting with a rather medieval view of unpredictable, beautiful, frightening experiences. I know of no other way to describe them. When I relate the story of the savagely violent traffic accidents under the shadow of the mesa upon which Arroyo Hondo pueblo stands, and tell listeners of the witches seeking victims … a scientist told me of this. A scientist! “The witches of Arroyo Hondo desire blood.” And they get it, in a horribly realized fashion, and all too frequently. There is no scientific theory to cover it. Yet science recognizes it. There are logical explanations for the accidents. Not for the frequency or location. It’s straight, clear road.

I share these observations, these experiences with few. One has to be energized, open to mystical encounters. I argue with those who worship logic: if we exist in a sort of Matrix, what is denied us? Perhaps it is our inheritance to hack it.

I know this sounds mind-bogglingly idiotic on first hearing. I’m not expressing myself well. Many of you will think I’ve lost the thread. Read “The Haunted Mesa” by Louis L’Amour [Amazon Affliate link]. Fiction. A rollicking good evening’s read. But if you live here, you’ll suspect it’s not so far fetched.

Still, I find connections between this world and other realities. I am not a devotee of “The Secret”, or flapping my cake-hole over quantum mechanics. I simply believe in parallel universes, in which all permutations are realized. I find the veil between these universes may be thinner than we imagine; thinner in New Mexico than other places I’ve lived. If time moves through us (instead of us moving through time) - because there is only now - maybe we are continually shifting universes in similar manner as we make every choice in our days of life. Getting out of bed at 6 shifts me to one universe, whereas sleeping late shifts me to another? And that shift, that choice, that energy has knock-on effects throughout the day? I took x branch, so only x branch options are available until we reset in a period of unconsciousness?

I also find the use of energy fascinating. I grew up with a rather dour parent, and exuding energy over anything was alien to me for many years. But when I do express energy outwards - even just as basic as walking with a jaunt and a smile, it is simply astonishing what one can manifest. The best things happen when you exude your enthusiasm, interest or skill energetically. The world seems different, immediately. These energy shifts feel very much to me like universe-shifts.

I will put in a plug here for dropping people and circumstances who drain your energy. Vampires of energy do exist - and you all know this. Minimize your exposure. Keep your energy for better things. My animation mentor, the great Eli Bauer of Terrytoons fame, demonstrated to me how one can completely transform a meeting with one’s personal energy, only to collapse afterwards from the extreme deficit in one’s own soul.

I don’t know. I know it all sounds nuts. But when even the Big Bang is up for interpretation (thanks to the Webb Telescope), reality seems fair game. I feel if I look too closely, the magic will be gone. I grew up in Princeton, with many brilliant minds around. I know the deep knowledge of scholars - and their distinctly narrow blinders focusing on their subject matter. Missing the forest for the trees seemed to be a motto in certain circles in the intelligentsia. Scientific method is great - except when it’s not. It is designed to give us better theories; but it is not the only generator of theory. Theories are not always right, many are just unproven guesses. I think life is best as a series of experiments. I still enjoy simple wonder. And awe.

I do feel like there must be some way to ‘hack’ new age manifestation. But I also think that if one did, how boring reality would be. I look for the guru who blew his brains out; he’s likely the one who discovered how to manifest the pearl in the universe’s oyster.

An example: I know for a fact one circumstance experienced in one time, can generate a result years later … in the exact same spot at almost the exact same time. The mindboggler is, I am not sure if the later event wasn’t the cause of the earlier! This experience seems that way. Damned if I’ll probe it further, for fear of destroying the magic. I pray more circumstances occur at that place, that I can directly experience.

I’ll write about it, someday.

Hopefully I haven’t scared you all off. Just having a mental dump night. In the meantime, do a parallel universe jump tomorrow morning - exude some positive energy as you venture out first thing in the morning. See if it sticks with you through the day.

Personal Improvement: Self-love, self-awareness ... and narcissism.

My readers know narcissism has been bugging me, as a general subject that I’ve been dancing around. This is why. I find many of the books in the self-help niche are sloppy with the boundaries between beneficial attention to self, and malignant self-love. As I work through the books purchased, write against their recommended journalling prompts, so much sounds like training in straight-up narcissism.

Perhaps dipping into narcissism to remedy a deep neglect of one’s self may rebound to a normal level of self-awareness? I’m uneasy with that. I’ve begun not writing against certain prompts.

This is useful in how to identify the two, and how to manage the sometimes-subtle differences. I liked this bit:

Self-love can turn to malignant self-love when it becomes less about supporting your health and more about giving yourself glory, pomp, and importance.

One can see in these books how hard they work to try to build our senses of importance and glory. I certainly don’t think they are nefarious on purpose, but I have to go back through and correct some of the things I’ve written, read. I could never walk up to someone and demand respect because I might think I was better or smarter. I would just walk up and be myself, and let them be the judge. That’s my natural method of handling ‘self love’. A few of you longtime readers first encountered me when I’d step far outside my zone of experience and state a forceful opinion, and you called me on it. I pulled back and apologized, making up for the mistake. Or offer to do more research and return with a different take. Some, I realized I could NEVER know enough to determine a reasonable conclusion. And I admitted it. I was one of the first to have an ‘errata’ section, where I’d categorize corrections. That’s why you’re still readers. No worship; just honest discussion, searching for truth or fact.

This concern over narcissism doesn't just apply to books; you will all recognize these themes running throughout the video reels of social media channels. They seem to be breeding a very unhealthy level of narcissism as a ‘base level’ of self-aggrandizement in order to be an influencer. How many brag that they are gods and goddesses!

Don’t get me started on politicians (eyes crossed).

And we bloggers are certainly not immune. Right now, restarting this blog is an exercise in humbleness. My daily viewers and RSS subscribers are a microscopic amount compared to the 00’s. If we bloggers were narcissists today, we’d never bother. Seriously. We’ve gone from megachurches to Quaker meeting houses (healthier so; a subject for another time). I do this because I’ve missed writing daily. Parts of my intellect suffered in its absence. Journal prompts just don’t do it for me. I’ve been spoiled by blogging, I suppose. I’m hoping a good table in the pines to rest my journal on, or a typewriter in the wilderness can break me away from this online habit. Still, very much ‘ride or die.’

So be aware if you delve into the self-help section of the bookstore. There’s some deeply misguided guidance there. As astute as I seem, I almost got sucked in.

If I can be, you can be too. In the meantime, I’ve become hypersensitive to how many “I’s” there are in my writings …

NPR: 'How to Win an Information War' details fighting with — and against — propaganda.

“It's about allowing people to do what they wanted to do in the first place, you know. It's not really about - you know, it's not about changing people's minds. It's about finding the thing that they really want to do - in this case, surrender - and give them an excuse to do it.

Important read, people!

Mocking Biden's stutter.

You’ve seen it. Many have commented upon it. Some are pointing to the young man Biden singled out of a crowd, once upon a time, to give support to. As a contrast.

As a stutterer in my youth, and an occasional sufferer as an adult, I can tell you that boy has more guts, more intelligence than 100 Trumps. As a child, every day was like standing in front of an audience, public speaking. That kind of pressure. Every time I was required to speak. Being in school, the unpredictable nature of being called upon by the instructor was terrifying. Every day. Every goddamned day. I, like other young stutterers, built a thesaurus in my head … dozens of words to rely on, in case my primary word choice froze my tongue to lead. But to be called upon … start to respond, have the tongue freeze, your body go stiff in anxiety … knowing the only way out is through, mind racing for salient alternative words as fast as neurons can fire … can you all understand the fortitude and intelligence these situations require of a stutterer? The snickers of classmates, the bullies taking notes for their taunts during lunchtime, the knowledge of the judgments taking place … all these thoughts, these terrible realities also standing between the blockage and any shred of fluency?

And then to have a Presidential candidate mock someone with this malady, as if they are unintelligent or unworthy!

Dead to me. Already was, but hundredfold. Cue John Dutton of “Yellowstone” about cowards.

Want a job done, and done well? Hire a stutterer. Need a good friend? Find a stutterer. We’re different. We know the value of empathy. We thrive in difficult circumstances because we’ve had to self-calm, self-soothe since early childhood. We tend to be ‘cool’ under stress. Probably why I thrived in live broadcast productions.

Many will not understand our ways, but be assured … if you need us, we’ll be there. If you let us. All we require is a smidgen of patience sometimes.

If you know of a child who stutters, give them a hug. Listen to them without interruption. Do not correct or give them 'helpful advice'. Let them know they are as worthy as any other child, without judgment.

It is not in correction that fluency lies. It is in safety, security.

Fifteen minutes of linkfinding.

ReadWriteWeb: Apple iMac could be set to try out touchscreen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. After I use my iPad, it drives me crazy when I try poking my laptop or desktop’s screen.

Paris Review: Backyard Bird Diary. Always wanted to create one of these kinds of diaries. Been a long time since I’ve sketched. I should buy some colored pencils.

Capital+Main: Power of the Pulpit: How Conservative Congregations Scale the Church-State Wall to Political Victory. Listen to what Bible scholar Dan McLellan says about this.

AppleInsider: Neil Young tries excusing his return to Spotify by saying Apple Music is now as bad. Water-drop torture is the same, no matter the brand.

PVC: Podcast playback: immersive reading + italics on website-desktop & mobile. I know there are rules for use of italics; I use them when they make the most sense for emphasis. Keeping their ‘power’ is paramount.

Vox: Biden is not “waging war” on American energy. He’s boosting it. Yet OPEC still has its heavy hand on prices. Seen that recent $0.30/gallon price increase?

DP Review: Nikon Z9 gets firmware v5.0 with portrait processing options and feature refinements. A Z8 or Z9 is on my dream wishlist.

SciAm: How the Solar Eclipse will impact electricity supplies. Paywall keeps me out. If you’ve got a subscription, enjoy.

CNet: Do You Need a Screen for a Projector? As an A/V professional, I can tell you that you’ll be blown away by the quality of a good projection screen. The materials have advanced so very far. Contrast and color are exponentially better than they were just a decade ago.

Zeldman: Open-source moderation.

Personal Improvement: Plumbing the depths, polishing the jewel.

Pain will leave, once it is done teaching you.
— Bruce Lee

I’ve been a bit quiet on this front lately. Doing some intense readings, journalling, delving deep into my past doing what the metacosm calls “shadow work”. Looking back into my childhood to find unhealed traumas … identifying them specifically, seeing them clearly, empathizing with the feelings and exploring how they affect my psyche today.

I’ve said this before, I’ve been doubtful of this kind of work in the past, but at this point in time, I’m finding incredible revelations about circumstances that bent me into shapes I was never meant to embody.

We all love our parents for the most part, and I did love mine dearly. But noone gets a manual for raising children, and my parents were WWII generation, influenced by the cultures they were raised in. There were many mistakes made that are very clear to me now. Some I knew to heal myself, and did many years ago. But I am surprised that some of my more idiotic kneejerk responses are based in how I was nurtured as a toddler. The fixes proposed by the various books I’ve been reading have been very effective in both bringing attention to the source, confirming the diagnoses as I apply the recommended cures.

I wish I could mention specifics, but I think many may have done work like this. You’ll know what I’m going through. Again, I was raised with a healthy suspicion of psychiatry and psychology. My interests in those subjects are wholly my own. Long ago I delved into James Hillman’s work … and I’m finding on re-reading his books is bringing incredible amounts of new appreciation and deep knowledge.

Can reading a book change a life? Good Christ, I can tell you yes. I am triangulating across many books right now, and there are nuggets of gold even in the worse-written self-help Kindle tome. It feels like my quick-scan abilities from decades of blogging were gifted to me just for this purpose.

I’m chomping at the bit to have these newly healed hurts tested in the real world. As each opportunity comes, I find myself joyfully wading into situations I felt were uncomfortable or painful before.

I’m the same. But different. It’s a good start. And it’s great.

Personal Improvement: Being misjudged.

I find as I continue through my life, misjudgments happen more and more. I cannot speak for anyone else, but I become infinitely more complex each decade I live in this plane of existence. Given that complexity, the likelihood of misjudgment seems to exponentiate. More intelligence, more creativity, greater curiousity, higher sensitivities … I push all these aspects of myself … these are all vectors for misjudgment.

A good example would be, a person can ask me my opinion on something in the morning, and I give you my ‘take’. Later, in the afternoon, asked the same exact thing, I might offer a version different enough that a straightforward person might be taken aback.

Is this a sign of condescension, dishonesty, premeditated concealment?

Of course not. I’ve just had another few hours or so of opportunity to think about the subject. Yet many misconstrue what I’ve said, even why.

A friend once reprimanded me: Is not a red object in the morning is still red in the afternoon? Yes. But ask a more complex question, that requires delving into shades of grey, teasing out interpretations, wracking the brain for bits of information … I tend to continue to think about interesting subjects, winnowing more details out of this encyclopedia of trivia I call my mind. Ask me once, you get a first ‘ferment’ on the subject. Ask me a second time, a second ‘ferment’. On really difficult subjects, I could probably come up with a dozen plausible interpretations, from which I impressionistically choose the most appealing option at the time, one that allows me to express the most character.

Are they all my opinion? Yes. And no.

Yes when I express them.

Five minutes later? Maybe not.

I sincerely doubt I’m the only one who ruminates this way. Blogging has made this a bit worse, I suppose. I gnaw the bones of facts in my head, looking for reasonable conclusions. However, to more straightforward persons, this seems a sign of deceit — or insanity — these days. As I love to say, “the facts often stay the same, but the truth shifts around.” I am not a simple soul to know.

Harder are the misjudgments related to visible age. A young lady was taken aback when I lifted a heavy bag of dog food onto my shoulder easily … “Are you sure you should do that?” It’s still new enough of an experience for me that I’m insulted. Someday I’ll appreciate it - and I keep telling myself to bite my tongue when these things occur.

The only answer to misjudgement I’ve found is to just double down on being who I am. Taking my metaphorical hand of cards and laying them face up on the table, leaving nothing hidden … over and over … hoping the consistency of my intelligent earnestness over time will prove the misjudgments wrong.

Truth, I’ve found, always wins out. May take some time, but wins the race eventually.

The Atlantic: You’re Looking at TikTok All Wrong.

I find TikTok has a fiendishly clever interestingness algorithm. It morphs as I use it, in ways that other such channels can’t match. You want to talk about AI; TikTok feels like there’s a machine presence on the other end of the line trying to psychoanalyze … watching, learning, recording. I used the word ‘fiendish’ purposely!

One observation: if you categorize your favorites, it uses the names of your categories as keywords when you actively save something, feeding you more using those keywords with the very next video. But the ‘lead’ wears fast as you deviate from the keyword. Fiendishly fast. It adapts to our shorter modern attention spans. I am fascinated.

3 Quarks Daily: Free Will, Pragmatism, And The Things Best Left Unsaid.

Oh, this is a great one. Take time to sit with it.

“Even Sapolsky recognizes that there’s something inherently sad about giving up one’s own sense of agency, and mentions the 2016 article in The Atlantic, “There’s No Such Thing as Free Will … but We’re Better Off Believing in It Anyway.” I’m not sure about the first half of that headline, but I agree with the second. I don’t know the degree to which the future is determined, but I know for certain that it isn’t helpful for me to think of it as being so.”